Normally I'm not really interested in the whole let's-abuse-wikipedia's-open-editing-policy-and-change-the-personal-biographies-of-celebrities-with-hilarious-false-events.
But the latest changes to
Neil Francis's wikipedia page made me spit milk through my nose.
Here are some of the highlights.
Example 1 (philanthropy):
"Francis' tireless efforts in the name of world preservation are well known. In 1978, he secretly restored a 15,000 sq ft Aztec temple, buried under 500 feet of mud since 1675, using only an old Colgate toothbrush and a small thimble of white spirits, in two days."
"Francis' charity work in Latin America has earned him the nickname of "The Irish Kriss Akabusi"."
Example 2 (involvement in South America):
"His work in the Amazon rain forests has caused controversy however. Francis regularly shoots pumas and rare birds. From 1983 to 1987, Francis is believed to have killed over 950 big cats, 3 tortoises and 78 million flamingos. He also campaigned for the Galapagos Islands to be "wiped off the map" using an H bomb and on Christmas Eve 1989 he shot at Santa Claus, slightly injuring Prancer, the shock of the event forcing Blitzen into early retirement, something he said he'd never do."
Example 3 (technological achievments):
Francis claims to have invented XML in 1987 on the back of the 75 bus while having a cigarette. Amazingly he didn't even have a computer and the XML’s predecessor, HTML, hadnt even been invented. Later he denied even knowing what the internet was and rubbished claims he invented XML. He admitted in 2005 however, that he did indeed invent it along with the basic rules of nanotechnology on the duration of this 75 bus journey. 'I got on at Bakers Corner by the time I reached Stillorgan I had XML in the bag and on getting off at Marley park I had invented nanotechnology, boom'. Bill Gates recently described Francis as 'the father of nanotechnology' and 'a demon in the scratcher'."
Example 4 (funeral of Pope John Paul II)
"After kissing the text of the Book of the Gospels, Francis stood before the congregants to offer the homily in what was a 200 minute tribute to Pope John Paul II. Francis spoke to the single largest gathering of heads of state in history, surpassing the funerals of Winston Churchill (1965) and Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1948). According to magician Paul Daniels “he spoke like he was chatting to a small gathering of family members at Christmas dinner. It was a bloody enigma and yet entirely appropriate”. Four Kings, five Queens, at least seventy presidents and prime ministers and more than fourteen leaders of other religions attended. It is likely to have been the largest single gathering of Christianity in history, with numbers estimated in excess of four million. Francis spoke mainly in Latin, Italian and English but also recited a fourteen century poem from Poland in perfect Polish. He was interrupted approximately ten times with outbursts of applause by the congregants, the last one ending after seventeen minutes. Most heads of state were visibly shook with many in tears. The Dow Jones ended up closing 1000 points higher on the day and a 500ft bronze statue was erected the following year in Warsaw in honour of Francis."
Immature? Yes.
True? No.
Funny? You better believe it.
